Digging Ditches

Maurice stopped at a country gas station. While filling his tank, he watched a couple of men working along the road. One man would dig a hole about three feet deep and then the other man would fill it. Then the first man would dig a new hole and the second man would fill it. After about five holes were dug and filled, Maurice said to the men, "Can you tell me what's going on here? One of you is digging a hole and the other is filling it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the county's money?"

 

"You don't understand, mister," the first man said, as he wiped his brow. "Normally there's three of us—me, Vijay, and Charley. I dig the hole, Vijay sticks in the tree, and Charley here puts the dirt back. But today Vijay got sick and stayed home."

 

"Yeah," said Charley. "But just because Vijay isn't here doesn't mean the two of us can't do our jobs, does it?"

 

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Mother Teresa

Mother Teresa died and went to heaven. God greeted her at the Pearly Gates. "Be thou hungry, Mother Teresa?" asked God.

"I could eat," Mother Teresa replied.

So God opened a can of tuna and reached for a chunk of rye bread, and they began to share it. While eating this humble meal, Mother Teresa looked down into hell and saw the inhabitants devouring huge steaks, lobsters and pastries. Curious but deeply trusting, she remained quiet.

The next day God again invited her to join him for a meal. Again, it was tuna and rye bread. Once again, Mother Teresa could see the denizens of hell enjoying lamb, turkey and delicious desserts. Still she said nothing.

The following day, mealtime arrived and another can of tuna was opened. She couldn't contain herself any longer. Meekly, she asked, "God, I am grateful to be in heaven with you. But here in heaven all I get to eat is tuna and a piece of rye bread, and in the Other Place, they eat like emperors and kings! I just don't understand it."

God sighed. "Let's be honest, Teresa," he said. "For just two people, it doesn't pay to cook."

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Food Joke

Max: Waiter, I can't seem to find any oysters in my oyster soup.

Waiter: You don't expect to find angels in your angel cake, do you?

 

 

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History Joke

A bus full of tourists arrives at Runnymede. They gather around the guide, who says, "This is the spot where the barons forced King John to sign the Magna Carta." A fellow at the front of the crowd asks, "When did that happen?" "1215," answers the guide. The man looks at his watch and says, "Too bad! We missed it by only a half hour!"

 

 

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Joke

Who yelled "Coming are the British"?

Paul Reverse.

 

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Animal Joke

Two roaches having a discussion

 

Two roaches were munching on garbage in an alley when one engages a discussion about a new restaurant.

 

"I was in that new restaurant across the street," said one. "It's so clean! The kitchen is spotless, and the floors are gleaming white. There is no dirt anywhere--it's so sanitary that the whole place shines."

 

"Please," said the other roach frowning. "Not while I'm eating!"

 

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Marriage Joke

Monty was tired of being bossed around so he asked the bartender what to do. The bartender said he needed to be assertive. He told Monty exactly what to say when he got home. When Monty entered his house, he stormed past the door and walked up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to stop whatever you're doing and prepare me a gourmet meal with a sumptuous dessert. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

 

"The funeral director," said his wife.

 

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Restaurant Joke

Jessie and Bessie went into a diner and ordered two glasses of water. Then they each unwrapped a tuna sandwich and started to eat. The waitress told them, "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!" So they shrugged their shoulders and exchanged sandwiches.

 

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