Beer Joke

While shopping in a grocery store, two Baptist church ladies happened to pass by the beer, wine, and liquor section. One asked the other if she would like a beer. The second good Baptist sister answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, But that she would feel uncomfortable about purchasing it. The first sister replied that she would handle that without a problem. She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier.
The cashier had a surprised look, so the good Baptist sister said, "This is for washing our hair."

 

Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer.

 

"The curlers are on me."

 

http://JokesAndSayings.net

 

 

Outlived Em All

A new minister was talking to the oldest member of his congregation.

 

"I am 90 years old, sir, and I haven't an enemy in the world," said the aged one.

 

"That is a beautiful thought," said the clergyman approvingly.

 

"Yes sir," was the answer. "I'm thankful to say that I've outlived them all."

 

http://JokesAndSayings.net

 

 

Skipping joke

Mr. Smith was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost 5 pounds."

 

When Mr. Smith returned, he had lost nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"

 

Mr. Smith nodded. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead by the end of that 3rd day."

 

"From hunger, you mean?"

 

"No, from skipping!

 

(note for those from New Foundland: "skip" has two meanings 1) jump 2) stop doing something)

 

http://JokesAndSayings.net

 

 

School Joke

Moe: Why won't we ever run out of math teachers?

Joe: Because they always multiply.

 

Joke

One evening at a convention in New York, four renowned psychiatrists were chatting. One said to the other three, "People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears, but we have no one that we can go to with our own problems." Then another said, "Since we are all professionals, why don't we take some time right now to hear each other out about something we feel guilty about?" The others agreed. The first then confessed, "I'm involved with selling drugs and often get my patients to sell them for me." The second psychiatrist said, "I love expensive things and so I cheat my patients out of their money whenever I can." The third followed with, "I have an uncontrollable desire to kill some of my patients." The fourth psychiatrist then confessed, "I know I'm not supposed to, but no matter how hard I try, I can't keep a secret . . ."

 

http://JokesAndSayings.net

 

Casino Joke

A young couple honeymooning in Las Vegas were down to their last two dollars. The groom told the bride that he had a feeling that he could turn the two bucks into a fortune if he went down to the casino alone. Once in the casino, he put one dollar each into two slot machines and won jackpots on both totaling $10,000. He then played blackjack for an hour, until he had $50,000 in chips. Next, he played poker and upped his winnings to $100,000.

 

He was about to cash in his chips when he got a hunch that his luck hadn't run out. So he took all his money and placed it on Black at the roulette table, hoping to double his money. But the ball came up Red.

 

He returned to his hotel room. "How did you do?" asked the bride. The groom shrugged and said, "I lost two dollars."

 

http://JokesAndSayings.net

 

Lawyer: The tests came back from the lab and there's good news and bad news.

Client: Give me the bad news first.

Lawyer: Your DNA matches the blood on the victim and the murder weapon.

Client: Oh, no! What's the good news?

Lawyer: Your cholesterol levels are way down.

Moe: What did the tie say to the hat?

Joe: You go on a head, I'll just hang around.

 

The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job. "Look, Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual experience picking lemons?" "Why, yes!" she replied. "I've been divorced three times."

 

2 Carrots Are Walking Down The Road...

Two carrots were walking down the road when all of a sudden a car hit one of them. The other carrot took the injured carrot to the hospital.

 

After examining him, the doctor came into the waiting room and said, "I have good news and bad news. The good news is your friend will live. The bad news is he'll be a vegetable the rest of his life."

 

http://JokesAndSayings.net

 

Joke of the hour

Moe: Are you still indecisive about everything?

Joe: I'm not sure.

 

Wife is lost in the store

The man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and said, "You know, I can't find my wife in this store. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

"Why?" she asked.

 

"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman," he said, "she appears out of nowhere."

 

http://JokesAndSayings.net

 

Bar Joke

A man walks into a bar, and as he makes his way to the counter, he stops and talks to everyone in the bar. As he finishes with each group of people, they all get up, leave, and go stand outside the window, looking in. Finally, the bar is empty except for this guy and the bartender.

 

The man walks up to the counter, and says to the bartender, "I bet you $1,000 that I can spray beer from my mouth into a shot glass from thirty feet away, and not get any outside the glass."

 

The bartender thinks that this guy is a nutcase, but he wants his $1,000, so he agrees. The bartender gets out a shot glass, paces off thirty feet, and the contest begins. The man sprays beer all over the bar. He doesn't even touch the shot glass.

 

When he finishes, the bartender looks at him and says, "Well, I guess you owe me $1,000, huh?"

 

The man answers, "Yeah, but I can afford it. I bet all of those people outside the window $500 apiece that I could come in here and spray beer all over the bar without you stopping me."

 

http://JokesAndSayings.net

 

2-Year Study

 

After a 2-year study the National Science Foundation announced the
following results on corporate America's recreation preferences.

 

           1. The sport of choice for unemployed or incarcerated people is:
                Basketball
           2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is:
                Bowling
           3. The sport of choice for front line workers is:
                Football
           4. The sport of choice for supervisors is:
                Baseball
           5. The sport of choice for middle management is:
                Tennis
           6. The sport of choice for corporate officials is:
                Golf

 

Conclusion: The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls.